David Lee Roth Takes Off His Warpaint
Mark Dery, Winner, November 1986
LOS ANGELES has a mess of atavistic attractions most tourists never get hip to: Chili Cheese Fritos, Dodger Dogs, Fatburger ("The Last Great Hamburger Stand"), the Tropicana Club ("Female Mudwrestling Seven Nights A Week"), Tommyburgers, and Barney's Beanery, a Hollywood watering hole where the Strip's rat-faced mongrels and burr-headed little buggers huddle in naugahyde booths, make connections at the wall-mounted pay phones within arm's-reach of the wall-mounted urinals or stock up on the city's most colorful selection of men's room toys – french ticklers, nudie pix, massage oils, and yuk-yuk novelties.
Total word count of piece: 3921